Ive been a little absent on here for a while, if I’m completely honest I’ve lost my way a little bit.
I read the gorgeous Annas post today from Blossoming birds blog and it spurred me on to write a more honest account of how things are.
Im not looking for sympathy, more a real life post with how I’m finding being a mum at the moment. Im four years in of being a mummy now but I just feel a bit lost….. Everyday I question am I doing a good job? Convincing myself that my children hate me because all I seem to do is shout at them all day long but the moment their in bed I start replaying how I’ve been in the day and feel guilty. But having two boisterous crazy boys in the house is bloody hard work. They are the best behaved boys in the world when their on their own but my god when their together at the moment I’m going to be frank…. their a fucking nightmare! They just don’t listen to a word I’m saying and half the time I feel like I may as well talk to the wall.
Ive felt rally down over the last couple of weeks and been suffering really bad with anxiety. I had a day a couple of weeks ago were I just cried all day long…… for absolutely no reason. I find every little thing feels like the biggest hurdle in the world and that I’m never going to get everything done. I feel like I’m constantly climbing a mountain of things to do everyday and it makes my chest feel constantly stressed but really I don’t have anything to be THAT stressed about. I have two beautiful children, were blessed to own a gorgeous house, I have a gorgeous husband who loves me and a busy business in the city centre of Manchester, so why? Why do I feel down and anxious.
I have to say over the last week I really have started to feel a little better, and I think talking to people really helps. I have opened up to my husband and told him how I’m feeling which was something I kept in for a long time but he now gets that I’m feeling a bit crap. I think in this game called life its so easy to get into routine and forget what were actually doing. We’ve both made more conscious effort to talk more and everything is feeling better.
Being in the house alone with the kids really doesn’t help my head space either….. if I stay in all day I start to gradually get more down towards the end of the day that I don’t even want to get up and make any dinner. But getting out the house and doing anything but sitting there really helps me to feel better about things.
Ive also got a cleaner now which I have to say helps me massively! She comes once a week for two hours and I find the house so much more manageable now. This has really helped me get out the house and do things as I’m not stressing about how clean the house is. ( People may think this is ridiculous, but its the best £20 I spend my money on!!)
I don’t know why but Frankie starting school has made me more productive, I don’t know wether its because I have to be up and dressed to take him to school, and that I have to have food in the fridge to make him his pack lunch but I have felt so much more in control of life since he started.
Its weird I have my good days and bad days but I’m starting to see that maybe thats just life with babies, its a tough old journey but as long as you talk about how your feeling always, we should be ok.
Its also so easy to look at peoples ‘perfect’ lives on Instagram and think that your doing a crap job, but if your children are tucked up in bed every night and your sat worrying about what your not doing right then I suppose thats a good thing in itself because if you were crap you wouldn’t be thinking about if your being crap…. if you get me!!
Ive wanted to write this for a while, and I’m not sure if I’ve put across what I feel and what I wanted to say, its hard to write down everything, but even if one person reads this and knows their not alone it will make me feel better, also to know I’m not alone too!
Love Gracie xo